I wish I had diarreah...

To say my parents had bad luck with automobiles would be a gross exaggeration. Car after car sustained either breakdowns of a biblical proportion or crippling car crashes. I distinctly recall one breakdown that occurred while in transit to California, the location of my fathers next church debacle. (Did you know that there are churches abroad that vehemently refuse to grow?) Somewhere in the barrens known simply as 'Arizona', the van containing a majority of our family, decided to call it quits. Without a cell-phone or the luxury of any other cars seeming to be on the road, there was nothing to do but pack all eight of us snugly into the cabin of a two passenger moving van...by the grace of God went we.

I offer up this insipidly dull anecdote as a warning. You see, the curse is apparently genetic and quite possibly contagious. Since graduating from high-school I have worked my way through the following: a white Ford Taurus, two vintage diesel Mercedes Benz, one an automatic the other a manual, an AMC Eagle, an Oldsmobile 98, a GMC pickup(rust blue), two Honda Accords, and currently an Oldsmobile Achieva. In the past two weeks I have taken my car to the shop to replace an ignition switch and my wifes car in to have the fan motor replaced, along with the driver's side window controls and a diverter plate, for a grand total of just over a thousand dollars. Within the same period of time, my buddy has taken his car in to the shop twice for a total of almost two thousand dollars. Today, in a rare fit of selflessness, I set out for my Grandpa's farm with the intention of assisting in the dessication of a tree. Before I reached Freemont, copious amounts of coolant began streaming from the heater core, sending the temperature gauge careening for the red zone. Luckily I am blessed with having an uncle well versed in the art of MacGuyver. A quick switching of hoses enabled him to by pass the core altogether, thus enabling me to drive dejectedly home. (Doing this apparently renders the heater useless and the replacement of the heater core will ultimately exceed the amount I originally paid for the car.)

All those consistently in contact with me or members of my immediate family would do well to cut all ties or better yet conduct a ritual euthanizing. Any sort of touching, sexual or otherwise, should be refrained from indefinitely. Is it possible I'm just a pawn in some poorly constructed terrorist plot?...