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Today was a great day. Why? It's simple. I went the entire day without seeing the sun. I hate the sun...stupid obnoxious star, what with its cheer inducing rays and warming properties. Who does he think he is? Call it atmospheric induced schaddenfreuden but seeing others miserable on gloomy days puts me in the best of moods. Man, I can't wait for winter...

Feeling Stabby?

I'm several months into my first culinary gig, here's a sampling of the knowledge I've accrued.

1. Thin-skinned individuals don't stand a chance. A linecook will say anything regardless of its degree of offense. We recently hired an adolescent female dishwasher...I've seen her cry three times in two weeks.

2. Another cook's knives are off limits. Touching them may ultimately end in a stabbing. While not written in stone, the rule of thumb is, "Don't touch my dick, don't touch my knife."

3. Servers and cooks may work in the same establishment, and might sporadically act genial towards one another, (often with a motive carnal in nature), they are most certainly sworn enemies. As is to be expected, cooks are ultimately the dominant species. Accordingly, cooks may wander the dining room unmolested, while servers enter the kitchen at their own risk.

4. Sexual harrassment is a myth in the confines of the establishment...regardless of the government issued placards hanging pell mell about the walls. I've never been more excited to not have breasts.

More to come.

The shiver felt 'round the world

In an effort to make people hate them even more, PETA suggested that Ben and Jerry's might use breast milk to make their frozen deliciousness, as to opposed to cow's milk. There are literally not enough hot showers left in my lifetime.

Flight or Fight

The older I get, the less patient I seem to become with others of our species. So, in an attempt to avoid said creatures, I have taken to staying up all night and sleeping in the mornings. Unfortunately, this plan comes with downsides; late night tv makes one want to impale themselves on a blunt spoon fastened to the floor. One such program, "Destination Tomorrow" put out by NASA, has taken an interesting tact in encouraging people to fly. Not is it more likely you will die in a car crash, but there's a 98% chance the in-flight meal will kill you before a crash will. Luckily there wasn't already a stigma concerning airline food.

In sports news, a new fad is sweeping the globe. Chess boxing, a sport in which fighters alternate rounds of boxing and chess, brings the thrill of ass kicking together with making the opponent your intellectual bitch.