Lamenting Latex

As if contraceptive commercials needed to be creepier, Trojan recently aired a commercial showcasing a pair of mime hands engaged in some grotesquely suggestive gesticulating. Painful, I know, though equally genius. It's not everyday a product instills new hope in the date-rape crowd, while simultaneously pissing off the French. Too bad I can't scrub the inside of my brain.

"Sometimes, I throw nickles in the oven...

There are few things more rewarding than shedding light on one of life's great mysteries. It is in this spirit that I happily report the debunking of the penultimate conundrum. After years of agonizing search, I have stumbled upon the infamous Nickleback fan-base. I know what you're thinking, said fan-base is nothing but a myth, spoon fed to the masses by the music industry in order to give the illusion of credibility. But the truth is, someone is buying this crap. If not, the entire band would've died off years ago, thus making an iron-clad argument for evolution. Who is listening, you ask? The answer shouldn't surprise you. It appears to be single, white, heavily sauced 2o somethings, doling out sexual harrassment and indiscriminately plucking half-smoked cigarettes from the ashtray with a total disregard for Hepatitus C. Now that this group has been identified, avoinding them becomes all the easier. Avoid community swimming pools, dive bars, seedy hotel lounges and any other locations where members of the 'there but by the grace of God' club may frequent. At the risk of sounding insensitive, Helen Keller had it made...

Disclaimer: I am in no way insinuating that the aforementioned music is enjoyed only by one group. Another possibility seems to be the competitive eating cirtcuit. While data is still being collected, any group of people disillusioned enough to believe the consumption of food constitutes an act of courage shows a monolithic lack of inhibition.

How the Hell Did New Jersey Become A State?

For centuries, school officials around the world have deemed it necessary to enact bans on things considered to counterproductive to the learning process. Past bans have included items like weapons/firearms, alcohol, drugs, school prayer, dodge-ball and of course, pedophiles. But in what can only be described as a disturbingly absurd abuse of power, a New Jersey school has taken upon itself to ban one of the most perverse acts in all of history. Students enrolled in the aforementioned Middle School are no longer permitted to hug. Why, you ask? A statement by the principal says it all. " It was needless hugging...It wasn't a greeting. It was happening all day".

Frankly, I'm relieved. As you are aware, hugging is the number one cause of spontaneous pregnancy. Recent medical studies have also shown that those engaging in superfluous hugging are 98% more likely to contract a chronic venereal disease. I don't know about you, but tonight I can rest easy knowing that 13 year old's living in New Jersey will never know the horrors of chlamydia.

Unfortunately, students will ultimately find another way in which to show affection. Hand holding is out. As is the eerie practice of sex-ting and a variety of other covert/overt displays. I predict that within the decade, schools across the country will ban hugging, forcing students to greet one another by ceremoniously rubbing together their asses. Let the chaffing begin...