Why yes...there is a monkey on my back...

Earlier this week, a woman asked me why I was a smoker, and I have to be honest, I wasn't sure how to answer her. After some thought, I've come up with the following conclusions.

1. Back in the 30's racers in the Tour de France often shared cigarettes mid-race. It was believed that smoking cigarettes aided in respiration

2. I thoroughly enjoy the leather tongue and stifling ass breath I awake with in the morning.

3. It makes me look wicked awesome and tough.

4. Being out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs has always been a personal goal of mine.

5. Without smokers, the government would have no choice but to go China on some babies' asses.

All solid answers, but mostly it's just because I am an idiot

(NOTE: When encouraging a friend and/or family member to quit smoking, it is not appropriate or safe to state, "You know those are bad for your, don't you?" While making the decision to start smoking in the first place undoubtedly shows a lack of intelligence, most of us are quite capable of reading the Surgeon's General warning printed right on the box.)

An inverted expression of masculine colloquialism

Its now 2:36 and a raucous party in the apartment building adjacent is in full swing. Luckily for me and my fellow residents, they have decided to move their booze-fueled fun fest out onto the balcony. From what I can ascertain using auditory faculties, the aforementioned shindig is comprised of primarily men. This fact by itself is disturbing in of itself. Couple it with the conversation I just overheard and things begin to get creepy. Briefly stated, I distinctly heard the phrase 'high school musical' and the word 'awesome' used within close proximity to one another.

By my count this makes the score:
- confusion of self-sexuality 1
- unabated machismo 0

Truly a proud moment for men everywhere. Way to make us proud.

Culture of Crudeness Two...electric boogaloo

Newest members of the "There by the Grace of God Go We" club. Rednecks who feel the need to dangle faux bovine testicles from the rear bumpers of their vehicles. Watch yourselves...this means you!

Could it be any easier...

Few things are funnier than people falling down. Kids, adults, the elderly, its always funny. Fortunately racism is always good for a laugh. Especially racism of the subliminal variety. Today I bought a box of Newport menthol cigarettes. (strategic comedic and judgemental pause) With my receipt, I received a coupon for Middleton's Black and Mild cigars. Awesome.

...In other news, Jack and Jill, the iconic vertigo stricken youngsters and hill climbing enthusiasts of fairy tale fame, have finally inspired a dating site. JackandJill.com. In a television spot, the words "catch a pail of love" were actually used. And....vomit.

OBAMARAMA

Nonsense attack ad season is upon us. Recently the McCain campaign has run a TV spot showcasing Senator Obama on the road giving speeches here and abroad. For a brief moment, pictures of Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears grace the screen. The gist of the ad is to paint the Senator as nothing more than a celebrity, capturing the votes of millions with nothing but that winsome smile and a flurry of media coverage. No dice! Until I see that head shaved, you're out of luck. No sordid sex tape, eh? Find your votes elsewhere. Back to the B-list you go...crafty little devil. I wonder if Hilary's got a sex tape?...