How the Hell Did New Jersey Become A State?

For centuries, school officials around the world have deemed it necessary to enact bans on things considered to counterproductive to the learning process. Past bans have included items like weapons/firearms, alcohol, drugs, school prayer, dodge-ball and of course, pedophiles. But in what can only be described as a disturbingly absurd abuse of power, a New Jersey school has taken upon itself to ban one of the most perverse acts in all of history. Students enrolled in the aforementioned Middle School are no longer permitted to hug. Why, you ask? A statement by the principal says it all. " It was needless hugging...It wasn't a greeting. It was happening all day".

Frankly, I'm relieved. As you are aware, hugging is the number one cause of spontaneous pregnancy. Recent medical studies have also shown that those engaging in superfluous hugging are 98% more likely to contract a chronic venereal disease. I don't know about you, but tonight I can rest easy knowing that 13 year old's living in New Jersey will never know the horrors of chlamydia.

Unfortunately, students will ultimately find another way in which to show affection. Hand holding is out. As is the eerie practice of sex-ting and a variety of other covert/overt displays. I predict that within the decade, schools across the country will ban hugging, forcing students to greet one another by ceremoniously rubbing together their asses. Let the chaffing begin...