25 years Uterine Free and Loving Every Minute Of It

I recently reached the 1/4 century mark and I find myself contemplating those mysteries in life more and more often. As of late, my topic of choice is trying to make sense of the female psyche, an exercise in futility, I know, but there it is. Most intriguing is the daily pre-sleep lavatorial ritual and its A.M. counterpart. Our cramped bathroom is littered with countless creams and scrubs, lotions, spritz bottles, compacts, cotton application accoutrement of numerous varieties, and a wide array of fiendish looking instruments one might expect to find in some hellish torture chamber.

I can't quite wrap my head around their uses either. One bottle is used to pre-clean the face. Next comes the actual cleansing of the face in order to remove remove the pre-cleanser. After the face is thoroughly clean, a lotion must be applied to counteract the drying effect of the industrial strength detergent now slowly eating away at the outermost layers of skin. Next comes the blemish spot treatment, wrinkle creams and a full five minutes of mirror scrutiny, during which the discovery of any noticeable marring is bound to lead to the lave-proverbial 'rinse and repeat'.

Everyday this accumulates to a collosal loss of time. In an effort to save my female readers this hassle, (or any metro-sexuals) I've devised a much quicker method, fool-proof as well as expedient. Three minutes spent 'exfoiliating' with 80 grit sandpaper attached to the blades of a personal fan and a healthy dose of Robitussin applied liberally to the entire face. Ladies, you're welcome. Check back for tips on how to save time on make-up application