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Today was a great day. Why? It's simple. I went the entire day without seeing the sun. I hate the sun...stupid obnoxious star, what with its cheer inducing rays and warming properties. Who does he think he is? Call it atmospheric induced schaddenfreuden but seeing others miserable on gloomy days puts me in the best of moods. Man, I can't wait for winter...

Feeling Stabby?

I'm several months into my first culinary gig, here's a sampling of the knowledge I've accrued.

1. Thin-skinned individuals don't stand a chance. A linecook will say anything regardless of its degree of offense. We recently hired an adolescent female dishwasher...I've seen her cry three times in two weeks.

2. Another cook's knives are off limits. Touching them may ultimately end in a stabbing. While not written in stone, the rule of thumb is, "Don't touch my dick, don't touch my knife."

3. Servers and cooks may work in the same establishment, and might sporadically act genial towards one another, (often with a motive carnal in nature), they are most certainly sworn enemies. As is to be expected, cooks are ultimately the dominant species. Accordingly, cooks may wander the dining room unmolested, while servers enter the kitchen at their own risk.

4. Sexual harrassment is a myth in the confines of the establishment...regardless of the government issued placards hanging pell mell about the walls. I've never been more excited to not have breasts.

More to come.

The shiver felt 'round the world

In an effort to make people hate them even more, PETA suggested that Ben and Jerry's might use breast milk to make their frozen deliciousness, as to opposed to cow's milk. There are literally not enough hot showers left in my lifetime.

Flight or Fight

The older I get, the less patient I seem to become with others of our species. So, in an attempt to avoid said creatures, I have taken to staying up all night and sleeping in the mornings. Unfortunately, this plan comes with downsides; late night tv makes one want to impale themselves on a blunt spoon fastened to the floor. One such program, "Destination Tomorrow" put out by NASA, has taken an interesting tact in encouraging people to fly. Not is it more likely you will die in a car crash, but there's a 98% chance the in-flight meal will kill you before a crash will. Luckily there wasn't already a stigma concerning airline food.

In sports news, a new fad is sweeping the globe. Chess boxing, a sport in which fighters alternate rounds of boxing and chess, brings the thrill of ass kicking together with making the opponent your intellectual bitch.

"Bah Bah...this is the sound of settling"

September 26 marks the release of Nights in Rodanthe, yet another romantic pseudo-comedy. The film industry being what it is, the hype has been swirling around like so many fiery leafs dancing in the autumn breeze. In fact, one critic touts it as being this years, "The Notebook".

I ask you this. How did films like the "The Notebook" become the litmus test for film excellence? Has LSD 25 made a comeback?

Dear Early Twenties Woman Sitting on the Porch With Her Friends...

Should I ever walk past your particular porch again, leftovers in tow, please resist the urge to ask me, "What did you bring me to eat?" If you do, I will most certainly spit in your hair.
Sincerely,
That Guy Who Walked Past You...Minding His Own Damn
Business.

Election years spark debate over a multitude of issues. Taxes, foreign policy, alternative energy and same sex marriage are only the tip of the proverbial hot-button iceberg. Education is one such issue. A lot has been saud about the supposed failure of the No Child Left Behind program implemented by the Bush regime. Fingers have been pointed towards the aforementioned house of peuce and cries for a revamp are heard from atop soapboxes country wide.

Is the government really to blame? I think not. While the current system could undoubtedly use a revamp, the blame for attrocious test scores lies solely on the youth of our nation. Kids are stupid...and just for once, video-games might just be the culprit.

Legend has it that after a rather rousing game of World of WarCraft, a hard-core gamer took it upon himself to talk trash towards his 'noob' opponent. In his haste, he mistakenly typed the word 'owned' as 'pwned'. Impressionable youth being what they are, a multitude of morons mistook the gaffe for a subliminal insult of the clever variety. And as a country, we take yet another step backwards, cementing our spot as a nation in academic peril. I repeat...children are mis-spelling words. strictly for the sake of miss -spelling words. Won't their moms be proud...

Note: An impending switch to digtal television has sparked a series of spots touting the advantages of digital TV. One of the hosts? A splitting image of Matt Damon, should he be 35 years older and a homosexual...creepy