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My wife has insisted that I enter a photo contest. Why I am not sure, especially since the grand prize is four tickets to ADVENTURELAND and I can't stand amusement parks. Anyways, I can't decide which pics to enter, so I'm allowing you, my avid readers, to put in your two cents worth. Thats right, take an extra 8 f&%*#(# seconds and post your damn choice in the comments area. Thanks a million. :) (I promise to institute a one month moritorium on cute-cutesy punctuation faces.)

Galaxy-sized Gas-X anyone?

An episode of the Simpsons today got me thinking about the Evolution vs. Creative design debate. Few things are garaunteed to spark arguments and this is one of them. (up there with politics...can anyone say irony?) I am not an overly bright hombre, I don't expect my invitation to MENSA anytime soon. But to believe that we were created by an omniscient and all-powerful God is much easier than to think that I am the by-product of an unequivocal cosmologic bowel movement, to think that we are all here by chance. Not being a statistician, i am not really sure on the odds but they have to be slim. Stupid Darwin...if only he would have chosen a cooler animal to descend from. You know, like the platypus, or the killer whale, maybe even the Liger. Yeah, the Liger...

A PENNY FOR MY THOUGHTS...$50.00 FOR MY PRAYERS

People will pay for anything. Pet psychics are popping up everywhere and apparently ass implants are available for those who crave a firmer bottom but lack time for toning exercises. I even saw an oxygen bar in the Vegas Airport(aren't layovers fun?) One would assume that paying for an item you breathe in all day for free would be the last straw, surely everything worth paying for has already been marketed...not so says the Wall Street Journal.

I recently read an article chronicling the tale of an eleven year old girl who died of untreated diabetes. Her parents, it seems, opted for intercessory prayer in lieu of medical treatment, resulting not only in a dead child but charges of second-degree reckless homicide as well. To deny a child access to medical attention God ultimately made possible seems a bit stupid to me but I understand one must back-up their convictions. What really got me was the end of the article...people are now paying for pray.

What pretentious, self-serving, religous-elitist bastard has the gall to charge for their prayers? How does that thought process even happen? And why the hell are christians letting these people get away with it? To think that your prayers are so powerful, so superior that you can charge for them takes a special kind of elitism indeed. Fifty bucks for a prayer...its only a matter of time before bush league, overly pious pastors institute the Sunday morning tip jar. Do me a favor. Should anyone try and charge you for their prayers, crash land your foot into their no-fly zone. Oh and don't forget to pray.

Monogamy Knows No Bounds-

Today I learned that my older brother is to be married. Taken by itself, this is a giant pill to swallow. Those of you who know my brother and his current situation will know that this is an entire bottle of opiate pain killers, chased with a bottle of Jameson's Irish Whiskey to swallow. (No pun intended)

Things with my brother are complicated. The short story, he is a self proclaimed drug addict living with a recovering meth addict who greatly resembles Skeletor. The long story, she is the boyfriend of his ex-drug dealer (who has lupus) and claims to recieve messages from God. Not exactly two parts of an equation desting to culminate in a healthy marriage.

Sadly, as I age, I seem to be developing a moral compass. One part of me likes to think that marriage is an inevitable step towards good. Marriage forces a man to embrace responsibility, to take hold of that innate quality lying dormant in all men to provide for those whom we love. Already there have been changes. He works multiple jobs in order to care and support for the woman and genuinely seems to be happy. Having a meth addict around is also a sure fire way to garuntee to keep the house tidy. The other flames up in ire, threatening the beat the apparent hell out of his Ethiopianized body in a last ditch effort to beat some sense into his mescaline soaked brain.

As you can imagine, the parentals aren't really keen on the idea; Mom has a fever for three days and the old man has taken to disappearing for hours at a time. Their response was so cold that he in fact left the house weeping. Ultimately the decision lies in their hands. While family should invariably carry some weight in life changing decisions such as these, if there is one thing I have learned dealing with self-destructive behavior. Change will only come to those who want it. One can not force someone else to change, the desire to do so must be heartfelt, genuine, and voluntary. And lets face it; a man who agrees to dye his beard the same color as his beloved's hair(a hideous shade of magenta, for the record) and allow said fiance to sign her love bites is pretty much in it for the long haul. At least the wedding will be good for a few laughs...

EMBRACING MY INNER GREEN...and other politically incorrect fairy tales.

Do you spend hours a day dispensing pressurized hair product? Do you often allow your car to run for days at a time? Are you currently operating a commercial sized factory emitting toxins into the air? Me neither, though I am stockpiling CFC's though that is neither here nor there.
Never-ending assertions to reduce my carbon emissions, to cutback in my paper usage and countless idiots boycotting personal hygiene in an effort to conserve our most readily available natural resource be damned. "Green" can go to hell...minus Kermit the Frog of course.

Don't misunderstand, I love Al Gore just as much as the next guy, he invented the internet for crying out loud. But enough's enough. The Good Lord, my wife and my mother have the authority to dictate how I live. Hack politicians, B- list actors and self-important pseudo-scientists? Do yourselves a favor and consider having your fun buttons permanently disassembled.

The latter portion of this post will be dedicated to one of my sophomore brother's jackass teachers but while sitting down to write i saw a commercial that sent my bowels to quivering. Rachel Ray has sold her soul. Aside from being idolized by the Food Network as a phenom "home cook" and plastered all over books and magazines across the nation, she is now in cahoots with none other than Dunkin' Donuts. Why the breakfast pastry bad ass, known for donuts(gasp: its in the title) and great coffee, needs a sandwich is a conundrum best left to brighter minds than mine. Hopefully DD connoisseurs abroad will see through the sham and join me in a vigorous terse letter campaign.

Now down to business. It has come to my attention that my younger brother's history teacher deemed it necessary to call him a homosexual...though I believe he used the word gay. I'm fairly certain that he is in fact not gay, but that is neither here nor there. Being of strong Irish stock, the desire to seek recompense is overwhelming. But while I would like nothing better to storm into the morbidly obese bastard's class one day and punch a hole in his globe, I feel it lacks a certain panache. Therefore I am calling on you, my avid readers, to decide the fate of my newest nemesis. During several short brainstorming sessions, I have toyed with the idea of defacing his President's Of the United States placards and maybe giving him polio. Think quick...I don't know if there is a statute of limitations on these revenge ploys... (sorry, I'm not a box of cereal so there will be no prize)

Seeing as how I voluntarily chose to move back to Misourri, I try and refrain from poking fun of the residents herein. However, a myriad of painful anecdotes has recently come to my attention, making me wonder wether or not the practice of euthanization should become more commonplace.

The first incident is what can happen when idiots try and do home repair themselves. While running some electrical wiring from the inside of the house out, a man became terribly frustrated with his drill. Becoming incensed, he cast aside the drill and tried to punch a hole through the wall. Why he thought he could punch a hole through a wall the refused to yield a diamond sharpened drill bit is beyond me. As you can imagine, he broke his hand...but the story continues. Reaching peak rage, he ran to his truck, grabbed a shotgun and proceeded to blast a hole through the wall. His wife, waiting on the other side in order to feed the wires through, took the blow in the chest and is now dead. There are no words.

How can this get worse you might ask? Well it doesn't; only creepier. A gentle in possession of a copious amount of canines, apparently grew weary of their 'company' and hit the town. Breaking into a man's private kennel, the man the proceeded to sodomized and fornicate with several of the owners prized hunting dogs. Yucky...

How people like this are still alive is a testament to the resiliency of man, instilled by the creator. Had we all evolved from apes, these brainiacs would have died off in a week...or been murdered in the name of sanity preservation.

Moral of the story? Those purchasing fire arms should be required to pass a test in order to ascertain gross incompetence. Those lonely, desperate, or sexually frustrated enough to solicit animals for sex, either need to be schooled in the art of the stranger, or consider the possibility of getting spayed or neutered...our very existence depends on it.